Hot & Bothered

To beat the heat, get off your feet and grab a seat but only if you consider sauerkraut a substitute for meat.

Let’s Get Shredded

It’s summertime boys and girls and the weather is hottttt. As the bros say, sun’s out, guns out. It’s the summer of love and the next pandemic is about to begin. No no no, I’m not talking about the Delta variant, I’m talking a sexually transmitted pandemic the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the days of Caligula. If you want to get in on the action, if you want to be as deliciously sexy as an Independence Day wiener with kraut piled as high as purple mountain’s majesty, then make like the good stuff and get yourself shredded.

-          Krauthammer

A Midsummer’s Night Kraut

Don’t bet on me baby, bet on kraut.  What I mean by that is simply kraut delivers, in that old fashioned sort of way - like in the fifties when your milk was always left cold on the front step and your mom was always pregnant. The history of this country isn’t as glossy as the old books would have you believe, but gosh does it deliver! Money for days, fuck the printing press – we’ll populate your bank account with those luscious digital ones and zeroes that you deserve like I deserve my wife’s love — not at all. And war, we love war, a war for all seasons – we don’t even need those ugly boats we landed in France with the big garage door at the front where all our unlucky boys got mowed down by the, wait for it…. Krauts! Ahh history is enigmatic and poetic. These days we’ll email your minister of culture a dick pic, he’ll download it and whammy, we got your entire country by their fiber-optic ball hairs. We always deliver, we don’t look great all the time, but like kraut, we’re a cult classic country. Canada, Australia…. LOL. United we kraut, Sauerpuss out.

-          Sauerpuss