Activism Without Activity
The best form of activism involves a couch and a beer.
The most dangerous thing a person can do is care. That’s why I always tell my children to keep yourselves as distant from others as possible. The less human interaction you have, the better. After all, humans tend to care - a lot. We need something to care about. We need something to give us purpose. Not everyone can live a humble life striving for no more than a good Reuben, 85% kraut, like yours truly. And in the decadent times of easy money and free porn, people feel compelled to nitpick the mundane and take a stand that closely aligns with their newsfeed headlines. Lucky for you, the mentally agile Krauthammer is here to keep you safe and warm on the comfort of your couch. So I will tell you exactly what I tell my children; if your cannot control the pull of your humanity and find yourself caring about something to the point of involvement at least do it smart. Become an activist without activity!
An activist without activity is the smartest and safest of all the activists. After all, activities can be time consuming and difficult. Activities like research, or protesting, or, worst of all, writing letters to local representatives.
Research is just horrible. Don’t do it! The only thing that comes from good research is doubt. It’s the understanding that most subjects aren’t black or white and can be very gray. What a turd you will feel like when you realize your original outrage may have been misinformed? I don’t want you to suffer that humiliation. Don’t research! It also takes a lot of time, therefore limiting the amount of activism you can feel. My suggestion is to stick your figure in the air of the meta world and find out which way the popular winds are blowing and jump on board. You’ll find community and meaning and a sense of superiority over the minority. Sounds like a safe bet to me!
Protesting can really help a cause gain attention, but at what cost? If you must attend a protest, at least make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Number one, it’s a great way to meet passionate people who don’t question their own assumptions. Great bedmates. So, make a good first impression and they will be eating out of your butt for as long as you’ll have them. Number two, it can be good exercise. All that walking and chanting burns more calories than one would think. Number three, protest photos get tons of likes on Instagram. So, if you’re gonna do it, take a few selfies. Keep in mind, this can actually put you in harm’s way. When people see others care about something, they feel the need to care more and show their care in a louder way. So, unless you are going for the most passionate butt-eater of the group, keep to the back of the protest.
Lastly, letter writing. Gosh, if I had a hotdog with kraut for every time I caught one of my kids in the middle of writing a letter to our local representatives, I’d be a fat fat man. Countless times I’ve had to shred the letters right in front of their teary eyes and remind them that they are putting too much activity into their activism. What does writing a letter accomplish? There is no fanfare. No one sees you do it! So what the hell is the point? As far as I understand it, activism is not about positive change, it’s about negative recognition and internet fame. Writing letters forces us to be thoughtful and introspective. We might be so inclined to come up with solutions to problems other than “burn it all down!” It just doesn’t make any sense. This is purely an egomaniac’s move. Pure activity and no activism. Get over yourself children.
-KrautHammer
Pussin’ Boots
I’m no better no worse than you, I’m just more sour. Much more sour. Happy New Year, I guess. I’m as excited for 2023 as I was for the all-female remake of ‘Ghostbusters’. Despite that, like many of you I made a resolution for this new year. It was simple – pay more attention to people. Not my family necessarily, not even my wife and kids – I’m talking about regular people: mailmen, waitresses, landscapers, kraut-mongers, etc. The people I usually interact with so casually as not to notice if they are living or dead. Literally, they could be transplanted by substitutes in the middle of me blinking and I wouldn’t even notice the change. I’m not alone in this, admit it you pricks. All of our connection has left us turned inward and alone. I digress. So, I made this change, and now six days into the new year I’m as depressed as ever. These regular people I was supposed to garner inspiration and connection from – are awful. Yesterday, at a local watering hole I caught the five-foot-one sweet granny sitting next to me comparing the entire Chinese populace to “cockroaches” -- this was a real sweet lady too, we nearly bonded. Her views too on the pandemic, national leadership and politics in general were equally as adamant and uninformed. More close encounters of this kind occurred, but I will spare you.
Now, I am resolved to nothing. I’ve heard enough. People, I find, are more confident than ever – but it’s the kind of confidence that can only be powered by real ignorance. All of these people I should say, talk a big game, but do very little beyond that. They know exactly what their democratically elected representatives should do, but have never attended a town hall or written a letter. This goes for both sides – donkeys and elephants. By the way, which animal’s penis is bigger? Google this and DM me, please. The internet is a powerful tool. But a powerful tool in the hands of morons is simply a retardation accelerator. Imagine this: an affordable teleportation technology is discovered, where one could transport themselves instantly to anywhere in the world. Informed experts would have you believe that swarms of travelers would gather at Notre Dame in Paris, at Victoria Falls, the Great Wall. Imagine the connection! My guess, Americans at least would choose to transport to the lowest volume Chik-fil-a available, or to China, not to behold the Great Wall or Forbidden City but to the Fox-Con factory doors so they could get the latest iPhone, still warm from the child polisher’s small hands. Therefore, my new resolution is not to pay more attention to people but to tolerate (dare I say, accept) them.
- Ye Ol’ Puss
