Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword
February, 2020. Little did these shmos know, that this sun wasn’t just setting on the day, it was setting on the lives they knew. Covid shut the world down two weeks after this was taken. We used to be normal. But being locked down for so long, we both began to ferment and become more extreme and less sociable versions of ourselves. This was the last time Krauthammer smiled. And it was the last time Sauerpuss opened his eyes.
“Live by the sword, die by the sword” – we’ve all heard it said, and perhaps we’ve all thought, “who has a sword anymore?” - It’s just about as useful as the saying “Never forget to tie your horse up when you enter the saloon, or else he’ll run away”: OK thanks, here’s a pound of moldy kraut, go shove it up your butt. But I digress, I came across this ubiquitous quote recently and I subjected it to the Ol’ Puss ‘re-think’…. “Live by the sword, die by the sword” ehh – my healthy gut tells me some anti-gun, anti-bullying, anti-violence groups are most closely aligned with these biblical words. I’d like to reclaim them now for us normal people; and normal people as we know, adore guns, laugh at both the bully and the bullied, and deep down secretly crave violence. I’m going to lean into this one, and so should you.
Saying it in a few alternate ways most clearly relays what the old adage means to me: live like a bitch, die like a bitch: Surround yourself with shmos, become a shmo yourself: fuck people over, get fucked over: don’t want to take life seriously, life won’t take you seriously. It simply means this – you get what you give, everyone gets what they deserve, etc. etc. – call it cosmic justice, call it Murphy’s law, shit call it the Tenth Kraut Commandment (preceded by the all-too-well-known 9th, “Never let your mustard outshine your kraut”). “Live by the sword…” is just the most extreme version of itself, on the other side of the spectrum could be “Live meekly, die meek” – both are ends, neither is sad per se – for they’re not lessons, they’re truths.
Today’s humans want it both ways, they want the spoils of war without the scars – the sex without the warts – the high without the come-down. In the sacred words of Krauthammer: “to have their kraut and eat it too”. No sir, not going to pass [mustard?] in ‘Ol Puss’s kingdom – here we pay homage to the balance of all things. Eat that bean dip on your first date, and prepare to hold that fart for a while. And while they say ‘all things pass’ that pressure on your anus is not one of them – good luck, my good tarry sir. Isaac Newton, besides being a Morman, was an A-level KrautHound of the first order – he taught us that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Those who take action know this, they can look back at the wake their life has left and see the debris. The wreckage being in exact proportion to the things we desired and strived for, whether attained or even just missed. And that my little hound-pups, is just fine.
All things come at a price, this is not to say everything is for sale, but it is to say that everybody pays, even the ones who choose not to participate. There is a modern notion that abstention is moral, that to live with so little impact so as to barely leave a mark on this earth is the right way to exist. Along with this comes organic jeans, electric cars, baby-less homes, ‘staycations’, solar panels and tandem bicycles (don’t ask me why) – and yes, you guessed it, Ol Puss here is not a fan of these things. Your ‘opting out’ – of kids, of politics, of opinions, of belongings DOES have a cost. It may be an economic opportunity cost, or better still a hidden cost, but it’s there - and let me assure you, and your inaction SUCK. Call me Tom Sizemore in Heat because for me “the action is the juice”.
Fuck off,
Sauerpuss
“Thank you all for your time tonight. I am a proud member of the Cabbage Patch Collective. But before we get into the agenda, I’d like to remind the Collective of our shared history and sacrifice.
This is an elected group of heads of cabbage which, together with the Cabbage Farmers of America, discuss and advocate for cabbage concerns and rights and the larger group’s mutual benefit. Believe it or not, being a farmed cabbage wasn’t always as glamorous as it is today. We are here because we grow on the roots of giants. They cleared a path that wasn’t always easy, but it was done peacefully. Not by choice though… we are cabbages after all. We don’t even have opposable thumbs.
So how did we get here? Many a cabbage gave the ultimate sacrifice during those first few years of organization, when the krautmashers were first called in. It was a slaughter. Millions of us had their heads bashed in. Yet, without that merciless destruction, the excess and respect that cabbages now enjoy wouldn’t have been possible. For, it was in these dark times – in the mounds of mashed matyrs and buried in the incomprehensibly deep mass graves that our greatest weapon and shield were born. It was then, that The Big Tang is believed to have produced the very first batch of sauerkraut.
And he we sit. How many harvests later? At the peak of our power. And we believe humanity can’t quit us and that we have somehow grown independent. Open your leaves! We have evolved a symbiotic relationship. Sure - their guts would clam up and only produce painful pancake turds, but have you really thought about what would happen to us? Without reason to farm us, we would be on our own. Exposed to elements that we simply haven’t endured for too long. Our xylums and phloems would surely fail. And a massive dieoff would ensue. So, you have pancake turds on their end, and an extinction level event on ours. And yet, as our immune systems have grown weaker, our heads seem to have grown thicker. A vote has been put forth by a member of the Cabbage Patch Collective to outlaw all harvesting by means of blade. If not the blade, then what? I suppose the farmers shall just dig us out one by one? Just say what you mean, you don’t want to be eaten! You have grown fat and happy sucking on the tite of sacrfice that each of our parents made and now, because your time is nearing, the balance must be shifted to accommodate your fears. But your fears will condemn us all. Pass this bill, and you don’t win one for our brothers and sisters. No. All you do is buy every member of this council a little bit more time at the expense of progress, potential, and posterity. I, for one, will vote ‘No’ on Proclamation 387. The Bible has said that those that live by the sword will die by it. But I tell you now, without the sword, none of this would be possible.”
The Speech of Krauthammer the Cut from the Limp Dick Debates c. 1997
