Ain’t Nothin’ Perfect
There are a lot of reasons to be sauer in this world, the most common thing that makes people sauer is having their heads stuck too far up their butts to see all the beautiful moments right in front of them (or on top of them). No doubt, Krauthammer and Sauerpuss were debating the fall of man, while their kids spanned an ocean to become friends.
As middle-age surrounds me like kraut on my sausage, I find myself second-guessing many of the decisions of my life, big and small. This worthless questioning of the past is a limp wiener’s way of avoiding the two questions that he needs to be answering: “Am I happy?” and “What do I want the rest of my life to look like?”
Even this setup is so difficult because it’s a huge and nuanced answer that could meander its way through the substrate like curious cabbage roots searching for the honeypot of water and nutrients. Rather than make this a manifesto, I will boil it down like cabbage on St. Patrick’s day so that it can be read and digested!
The answer to the question, “Am I happy?” is bullshit. Happiness is relative. So I have to throw a curveball in my mini-festo. The first question needs to be “Who am I?” This is not the deep eternal search for personal truth, this is simply how one sees the world. How does one measure themselves? Are you a stinky and aged can of kraut looking over your shoulder at the young hot ball of cabbage that has their whole growing season in front of them? Or are you the inexperienced and insecure green cabbage who wishes for a long and stable shelf-life but can’t figure out how to get there? Happiness is in the mind of the beholder. Happiness is about perspective.
So for those of us questioning our happiness, let’s make sure we include some perspective in our analysis.
Now that we’ve taken a step back and realized that, yes, life is good, that doesn’t mean we rest. That would be like tasting the mashed cabbage before fermentation, knowing that it’s going to be so so good with a bit of attention and care, and then leaving it out in the sun and killing all that glorious potential still yet to be realized. Now is the time to take a more active role. I say “more” active because for those readers that are like me, any bit of planning is an improvement over nothing. But for those more akin to the Sauerpuss planner, this is the time to reflect on how to get more of what you want while sacrificing as little of what you have.
The beauty and the tragedy of life is that we only get one shot at it. That fact has recently hit home with me. I was disappointed at my increasingly limited professional options and feeling consumed with regret. But then I got to chatting with people. Real, good, deep chatting (the most valuable thing in humanity). And I realized that everyone I spoke to was feeling the same to some extent. But they were the old established kraut can or the young and limitless seedling to me. How could this be? They had all crafted this impossible existence by cherry-picking the things they wanted from the people they loved. Like them, I was building and striving for my perfect existence. I hope, like me, they realize that it doesn’t exist because ain’t nothin’ perfect.
Except failure.
- Krauthammer
Ooooooo bebey bebey, we know you’ve been hitting up the KH website and refreshing our merch page (coming soon) like mad but we’re finally BACKKK! And we’re here to tell you in case you didn’t know…. Nothing ain’t perfect. Yes, you heard it here first. Even a ‘Perfect 10’ model isn’t perfect, sure them milkers are natural but God rarely gifts symmetry to these human bodies we inhabit – just ask my balls about that one!
Okay just calm down for a sec and think about a historical person who was perfect. And I realize now that we are all thinking of the same person – Heinrich Von Krautfeldt (“HVK”), the inventor of Sauerkraut himself. Legend is when a marauding rider of Ghengis Khan’s yellow hoard veered on to his family’s land in a mid 13th century raid, HVK personally ran him down on foot, mashed his brain in with a hardwood club and violated his horse. The horseplay is secondary though, because on the still-bleeding corpse of the rider HVK discovered a pungent leaky leathered sack of salty and decaying cabbage that was at once offensive and alluring. Need I say more? I will… ‘twas the seed of SAUERKRAUT!
BUT… I tricked you hehe, I wasn’t thinking of HVK at all, I was thinking of Jay Ceeee! That long-forgotten little boy who wanted to be a big boy from Bethlehem! For a long while he was THE guy to follow around the desert, and boy did people follow. Why? Cuz this guy was more PURRRRR-FECT than a Siamese show-cat with a gay male Asian owner. I’m talking bleached clean white tight butthole, perfect. This guy walked on water and then turned water (not the same water he was walking on, I assume?) into wine! He gave sight to the blind, associated with Hebrew hookers, and possibly loitered with lepers without getting any warts at all!! For some reason he performed no sauerkraut-related miracles but we should not blame him for this.
Anyway, my long-delayed point is that even JC wasn’t perfect. First off, his body… people are always raving about that six-pack of his, but I know malnutrition when I see it. Mayhap he should have been eating more fish instead of signing his name as one. Style-wise I dig the long-hair/beard sandal look as much as the next libtard, but lord knows Bethlehem (not to mention Nazareth!) is rocky as all hell and quite hot at least 9 months of the eternal year. A sweaty hot face and all kinds of rubble in my thonged toesies would put me in the sauerest of moods. Hey Messiah, when ya come back, two words!: CLOSED TOE. Lastly but not nearly leastly, what a preacher: “Hey guys, I’m perfect over here but all of you, all of you should forgive and accept each other for being imperfect” – Jesus Christ, what a mind fuck.
Imperfect in his own eyes always,
‘Ol Puss
