All Around Hound
Krauthammer (left) was a very round hound when this picture was taken during the first ever Licorice Pizza Day with Sauerpuss (right) in January, 2022.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great honor to introduce a truly great person. An inspiration to us all. A leader in his field. A humble man. The best Krauthound of us all… Jesus Christ.
(Thunderous applause)
Please, please… you’re too kind. Although, to be honest, and I always am, I don’t think that’s possible.
You all stand on the doorsteps of greatness. But the sad fact is that not all of you will make it through to the other side. There, success, happiness, wealth beyond your wildest dreams, and God-approved orgies await. Before that, there will be hardship on the level of Old Testament wrath. Nothing, and I mean nothing, in this modern world infected by the Devil’s dick, can compare to the spiritual and existential challenges of being an intern at Krauthounds.com. And so today I say to you, summer interns 2023, welcome to Krauthounds, and may papa have mercy on your souls.
I was like you once. I was just a boy with big dreams and a narrow outlook on sauerkraut related journalism. This was supposed to be my steppingstone on my path to network anchor. You would think that the son of God would have been a shoe-in for network anchor on one of the big 3, but things were different in those days. People loved that I was the son of God, but I wasn’t the right color. Jesus of Nazareth, right? “He should be browner!” They would say. And so my credibility was lost because the world wanted a brown Jesus, regardless of the facts. Sometimes I wish I was brown so my life would have been easier. But had it been so, I would be an empty toga. A man not worth the sandals he walks on water with. And so I struggled and I persevered.
What you must understand is that Krauthounds.com is an old organization. Not so old in name but old in its ways. Will you be paid for your time? No. Will you be subjected to unwanted sexual advances? Yes. Will there be an HR person for you to report your issues to? No. That’s not what we do here. We write about Kraut. We live, breathe, and often times eat it. And you’ll see, that when you give yourself over to the hounds and the kraut they stand for, life grows easier.
Being the son of God, life hasn’t always been easy for me. But the easiest decision I’ve made in a long time was to renew my subscription to this wonderful news outlet. Yes I can read it for free, but I believe that great journalism must be supported. And you all now are stepping into those unappreciated support roles. I wish you all good lcuk, and papa bless you.
Welcome to Krauthounds! Now get to work!!!
- Krauthammer
Oh bebey bebey bebey bebey, come on in mah bebies!! Come on back in time with me to my darkest most angstiest hours. You don’t want to go? Well, neither do I. When I was fourteen my evil-ex-step-father gave me a small framed picture of a dimly lit hardwood court strewn with basketballs. The emotional caption read “You miss all of the shots that you never take”. It was intended to be a fig leaf of sorts, me and Frank hadn’t been getting along. Basically, I was getting my pubes and Frank was just a total loser douche bag that my mom married for some reason. In all seriousness, I was a mediocre high school athlete with a major confidence problem and he was trying to help me in his way. Even so, I hated this corny-ass framed bullshit, I was sour even back then and can you imagine I wasn’t even giving my gut what it needed in terms of kraut minus a dozen or so summer dogs (avec kraut) during the Independence Day freaks show post 9-11. I don’t know what came of the frame eventually, I vaguely recall flinging it into a trash box after college, pretending I was past its simple message. But the point is, it stuck around, I had it in my room for years. I hated it and I looked at it every day. I hated this man, and I could still sort of appreciate what he was trying to tell me. This man may not have hated me back, but he certainly resented me – still, he could clearly see what I needed: a Goose to my Maverick, a Pippen to my Jordan, Bush to my Cheney – a hype man, Flava Flaaaaaave – a wing man. Talk to me, Goose…
Fast-forward twenty years…. Krauthammer was and is a wonderful wing man, allowing me to be that all-around hound inside of each of us. Prior to the Hammer I was picking my spots, confident in only a narrow set of circumstances. And I’m not just referring to confidence in myself, I mean confidence that certain situations in general had any potential all – why even try? Krauthammer, he goes to the post office to mail a letter and the next thing you know he’s on a rave bus to the Badlands with a 4-piece bluegrass band. No one had to give ol’ Hammer any framed quotations to get him off his ass, he’s a walking talking framed quotation in-real-life! Do me a favor, look up ‘All-Around Hound’ in the Encyclopedia Britannica ticked away in your Granny’s house – it doesn’t matter what edition you have, you’ll find a picture of KrautHammer playing hackie sack with the Dali Lama on a yacht in the Aegean Sea. I’m not cured though, under it all I’m still that fourteen year-old with 8 pubes and anger to back each of them up. But I’m learning more and more to drink the brine of each moment; and I thank the Krautlords for mentors and friends like the Hammer each and every day.
Hound on Bebies
SauerPuss
