Everything Happens for a Reason

Our heroes have always found a way to balance responsibilities with fun. Here, Krauthammer and Sauerpuss take a moment to put aside their differences and enjoy some popcorn. What a box of fun! (September 2020)

Hey bitches, you caught me on a very sour day – but that’s like rolling a 20-sided dice where 19 of the sides say “sour” – you’re pushing  your luck. “Everything happens for a reason….” Let ol’ Sauerpuss amend this oft repeated but never completed adage. Everything happens for a reason, AND THAT REASON IS USUALLY YOUR DUMB ASS! You notice this quote is only dusted off and spat out when something shitty happens. No one wins the lottery or gets a full scholarship and says “yay everything happens for a reason!”. You only say it when your wife bangs the IT guy at work and leaves you, you say it when you get your third DUI and lose your license after getting blasted on strawberry margaritas at Chili’s and swerving all over the highway like a madman. When I hear someone utter these words only my disdain can cover up my pity for the poor lost soul speaking.

              Humans are obsessive reasoners, so much so that I consider it unreasonable. Ol’ Puss repeats it often here in these posts, but we can always be reminded: there is no escape from neither our decisions nor our indecisions. Must we always find some greater, hidden, deep meaning in every shitty scenario we find ourselves in?  I have a rule - every time I find myself facing some hardship or unfortunate reality, I immediately blame myself – this not only saves me time from useless searching, it is generally correct. Occam’s Razor says the simplest solution is generally the most correct one. Let’s all start saying “crap, this sucks, what the fuck did I do to cause this?” – it rolls of the tongue and I think it will catch on.

              You ever get high and look in the mirror and realize you haven’t actually seen yourself in years? It can be extremely jarring, especially if you’re not aging as well as the Puss and the Hammer. Sorry not sorry for these genetics, bebey. That lifting of the veil while high, though uncomfortable, is important. If we peel back the layers of the onion too much of course, there will simply be nothing left. But to leave on the decayed crust of blaming others, of unfortunate “fate”, of rationalized bad choices over top of us, without shedding them from time to time, is not only extremely strenuous, but dangerous. We are always our harshest critics; so drop the façade, take the blame, and realize all those eyes you think are judging you are really just looking at pornhub on their phones.

- Sauerpuss

“Everything happens for a reason…” or so everyone’s grandmother says to them after they shit their pants and get laughed out of middle school. Comforting words, sure. But does she honestly expect us to believe that you shitting your pants is part of some grand plan on your path to greatness? Likewise - It’s easy enough to look back on the past and say, “yeah, that time I shit my pants and was humiliated lead me to create No-Browns. The world’s first and only food that is 100% efficiently digested and therefore you will never need to poop. A food so pure there’s no shit for sure. No-Browns, don’t get caught with your pants up!” Of course, your past lead you to your present. Everything that is happened for a reason, right?

What if I could prove that wrong? What if I could find an example of something happening purely in a vacuum. It happened, and the story line ends? No butterfly effect. Nothing. Let me go through the most mundane details of my life and let’s find out if they all happen for a reason.

1)      I wear socks that are too big for me. I’m right in between the smaller size and the bigger one, and I always assume the bigger size will be more comfortable. But it’s not. It just bunches up and flops around inside my shoe. On top of that, I look like a dope if I ever must go shoeless in someone’s home.

2)      I never, ever, wipe to completion. What I mean is that, if I put paper down there, it’s always finding something. Sometimes, I grab four sheets, sometimes three, sometimes two. Never less than two because that’s disgusting. But there is no rhyme or reason to my choice in number of sheets. It’s just what my gut and my arm tell my brain to take. I don’t even realize what I’ve done until after I’ve done it. That seems pretty pointless to me. Similarly, what I decide is the last wipe really doesn’t matter, for the aforementioned reason.

3)      I haven’t washed my back in at least 2 years. I can’t reach it. I’m aware of luffas on a stick that could reach those unreachables, but I just don’t care.

It’s not hard to find cause or effect in each of these. Indeed, all have happened for a reason. Maybe it’s Krauthammer who doesn’t quite understand the world as well as his grandma. Her abstract words taking on more meaning in their ambiguity than in their understanding. “Everything happens for a reason…” That’s something to take comfort in. Not that you will be some stronger person because of some social embarrassment, but that life goes on. The same life that is filled with embarrassment is also filled with joy and love and life. Everything happens for a reason because life goes on.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go change my underpants.

   -Krauthammer