Legalize It
Krauthammer (left) and Sauerpuss (right) are celebrating the World Cup of Sauerkraut Eaters in Paris, France (Dec. 2022)
Imagine, if you will, a world in which sauerkraut was outlawed. Well, here at KH, we did just that. Of course, we’re fighters here and we wouldn’t just take such a thing lying down. So here are our letters to our government representatives, trying to bring some sanity back into their decision making.
I would like to stress that this is just an academic exercise and a hypothetical scenario. Fear not, your favorite kraut isn’t going anywhere.
Dear Monsieur Macron,
My name is Big Billy Moonbeam Sunflower Oil Krauthammer, and I am 38 years old, man.
I’d first like to say thank you for being an inspiration to all the boys out there. We all know how you got handjobs from your teacher and that is just rad, man. We all know school is a bummer, but handjobs are not so hats off to you.
But today, I am writing on a much heavier topic.
I am truly scared for the direction our world is heading in when I can’t even smoke a joint and walk down to my local boucherie and get kraut by the kilo simmered with saucisse de Toulouse and pork belly. How am I supposed to cap my munchie craving when your fascist regime bans sauerkraut? We’ve all heard the stories, but they’re simply not true. Sauerkraut does not pickle your spunk. Quite the opposite. Kraut is the fermented equivalent of tiger penis and ylang ylang. It makes you hard and very very potent. Not only that, but it’s common knowledge that a Reuben sandwich is the ultimate aphrodisiac and can even be used as an energizing snack to maintain the vigor required to please even the poutiest French poon. If you are truly concerned about demographics, then look no further than the baby-making power of two-month old cabbage.
How badly do you hate your own people? Not only do you raise the retirement age, but then you outlaw the sole reason that people make it past 70. We are getting squeezed from both ends, and just like a hot dog in two vice grips, the results will not be pretty. You take away our youth and then our reason to live. Or raison d’etre, if you will. I don’t care how many handjobs you got in detention when you treat us so callously. You are a downer, man.
Lastly, have you even thought about where people will get their kraut from now that you’ve taken it off the shelves? That kind of demand doesn’t just shrivel up and die. No. It festers. It ferments. It foments. And one day all that stinking anger will be coming for you. So get your chubby rubby now, because this batch is bubbling over and there is no pressure release in this krautless nightmare that you call France.
Backed Up, Limp, and Low,
Big Billy Moonbeam Sunflower Oil Krauthammer
Dear Congressman Kim:
I write this letter not only with a heavy heart, but with a gut biome heavy in nutrient absorption. And before anything I want to clear the air: I’m a kraut user. There is no shame whatsoever in that admission, in fact my life is better for it. The time has come for this great land to once and for all, legalize sauerkraut.
A brief history lesson: we all know the sordid past of this demonized food accompaniment but let me cover it again in broad strokes. The FDA’s scheduling of kraut as a schedule-I condiment all starts with the coleslaw coalition (aka Big Slaw) convincing Senators McCaully (D) and Shermer (R) back in ’42 that this glorious fermented cabbage was a danger to our people. Since then kraut’s gone underground, but it hasn’t lost its grip on us true believers- we’re krautHounds and we bleed brine. It is my goal here to convince you that not only is sauerkraut not dangerous to our populace, it can serve as a major net benefit to this country and possibly propel us forward to realms of success previously unimagined.
As we speak, young teens are getting their first hits of kraut at back-alley frankfurter stands, paying cold hard cash under the cover of night, while sauerkraut douses their innards with magic and wakes up their second brain – their gut. Shall I address the 400-lb gorilla in the room? We ALL know that China has been cutting good clean street kraut with Kimchee over the past decade. This is a serious danger, and rarely covered by the LAME stream media. Every week we hear stories of good people who thought they were eating kraut, having their buttholes blown out by a wicked kimchee-laced batch. This must stop. Now.
Legalizing kraut would not only cut down on these instances but it would bring billions of tax dollars into the Federal government. SauerFacts.com reported last year that the total black-market value of all the kraut exchanged in 2021 amounted to $455 billion dollars (most of that transacted in KrautKoin). So let’s tax that cabbage! And fund the endless wars that we all know you want. Just give us our kraut, legally and stigma-free please. We hold this truth to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, with the right to pursue happiness through good gut health.
Sincerely and sourly,
SauerPuss
