Peaking

c. 2008: The peak of any man’s life is that last moment before wives start pushing their way into the group photos. (Clockwise from top: The Brettman, Krauthammer, The Red Devil, Slaughtermilk, Not-So-Sauerpuss, Corey-the-lady-splitter (middle).

Most folks talk about being “over the hill” all wrong. The way ‘Ol Puss sees it, once you’re over that hill, well, it’s just downhill from there. And downhill means coasting, downhill means speed, it means ease, it means having the energy and wherewithal to enjoy the view for once. I say let gravity do all the work, just sit back and let that invisible force send you right into your cold and comfy grave. I didn’t know it at the time, but it’s clear as crystal to me now that I ‘peaked’ about three years ago – it’s especially clear when I look back and see that ol’ craggy mountain top behind me, shadowing me, towering, tempting me to put the brakes on my descent and jam it into reverse. But alas, it’s coastin’ time for yours truly, the one and only SauerPuss. I peaked beby, and it didn’t hurt a bit!

The best party is one that you only realize was great after-the-fact – the same goes for peaking. It’s only in the rearview that you can truly appreciate everything clicking full force. To see it in the moment would be to ruin it. Remind a basketball player on a hot streak that he’s “in the zone”, and whammo!, you’ve snapped him out of it, you’ve killed his magic. It’s in the ignorance of his perfection that his perfection is achieved. Three years back as a new dad, at the helm of a small yet growing business, surrounded by a moderate number of great friends, in decent enough shape not to constantly be thinking about what kind of shape I was in, I was unaware that I had reached the summit. This “summit” it should be noted, is a totally personal one. It’s nothing in the way of competition, I am not claiming I was a perfect person at this time, or that others (including today’s ‘puss) should strive to live like I did at that time. It’s not about that at all. It’s simply, objectively, honestly, the best and most stretched I could have been. And at the right time too. It’s luck, it’s preparedness meeting opportunity or some such bullshit. And guess what, I’m already tired of talking about it.

You can’t see my peak anyway, only I can. That’s just fine, you cabbage patch bitches, most people never see their own peaks, nor do they want to, they go along living, turding along, thinking their peak is around every corner – their lucky break, their ‘moment’ -- never knowing it was something as simple as that ninth grade hand-job under the creek bridge, or the drunken but perfect advice they gave generously to the new hire at the Chili’s Happy Hour that they don’t even recall giving.  Hey, don’t go looking for your peak, it might just consume you – but… if you do come across it, take a moment to appreciate it. After all, life is lived in a forward fashion, but can only be understood looking back.

Sincerely and with disdain,

SauerPuss

Peaking could mean a lot of things. It could refer to the old name of the Chinese capitol city, Peking. It could refer to the world’s greatest peeer, a man who pees farther and more accurately than his contemporaries. It could also refer to Shimmy the Shim Shim, leader of the Pea Pod Posse (also known as the Legume Lawbreakers). If you had landed on this blog intending to read an article relating to any of those things, apologies… this blog is about something far more important.

Me.

Confirm you’re not a robot by reading on…

I’ve done it folks. I finally nailed my own recipe, and I am smart enough to write it down here. If you’re familiar with recipe websites, then you understand I must first tell you a bunch of bullshit before I get to the recipe. Don’t just jump to the recipe, you will lose so much context and meaning. If you must, CLICK HERE to jump to the recipe.

(Just kidding. I’m not putting that kind of tech into this blog. Just scroll down to the section called “Recipe.”)

I peaked today. I had a Top 10 day of my life. A day that, without a doubt, is one of my 10 best ever lived. It started with a victory. A victory against my age.

I heard my little girl fussing this morning with a bit less vigor than is usual for her, and I showed up. That was my first victory and, according to failed Bachelorette and huge feminist disappointment Clare Crawley, the only one that matters – I showed up. I was awake (and drunk) until 3:30 in the morning last night on the phone with Sauerpatch McPuss, having ourselves a good old fashion conversation. I put myself to bed responsibly. I straightened up the place… made it look respectable because I didn’t know what the next morning would bring. As per the household arrangement, I am solely responsible for Saturday morning baby care. If I really needed it though, I could always ask for a major favor in switching up days because I was too hungover. But that is an absolute last resort.

But whatever… I fucking showed up this morning. I woke up with my little girl and I was a fucking all-star dad. Engaging, awake… and there! (I showed up). And then I think to myself, “let’s take this little girl to the aquarium.” My brain is firing on all cylinders already. I’m peaking.

We had a full family day adventure that was filled with a delicious French lunch and dessert (in France, what I just said is repetitive). Followed by our trip to the aquarium. I’ve never felt more like a dad. I cared more about Ella’s reaction to the fish than the fish – and I was stoned! And when we returned home, I let my pregnant wife relax on the couch while I cleaned and prepared dinner. I fucking peaked today. Possibly, I was Top 10 adults of January 22, 2023. For certain, I’m at least an honorable mention.

I’m exhausted and on fire. I’m peaking.

Here is my recipe for peaking kraut (can be real life or sauerkraut):

·       One shredded head of cabbage or preconceived notions

·       A masher (anything physical or metaphysical that can twist your thoughts into pretzels)

·       Near constant movement

·       Deep trust in those around you (fermentation is a dangerous process which is only made worse by distrust)

·       Believing that you are building (or becoming) something better than your previous self (something transcendent, like sauerkraut.

·       Taste the rewards! (What are we talking about, again?)

Get on my plane and peak with me!

With Love,

Krauthammer.