The Ugliest Vegetable
If Earth was a face, cabbage would be the pimples. A blemish on the land. Short, fat, lumpy. Not as delicate as lettuce and with less taste than broccoli. Cabbage is a poor person’s food grown on a peasant’s plot. But just like bad skin, a cabbage patch provides strength for those that tend it. You all remember Crater-Face from Grease, yes? He may have lost the race to Danny Zuccho, but that didn’t mean he lost the war. The movie ended well for Danny, but a quick surf of the web will yield the much darker and less popular spin-off, Grease: The College Years which opens during orientation week at Cal State Fullerton. The cold open shows Crater-Face stabbing John Travolta before he kidnaps Olivia Newton-John. Like I said, zits build character and so too does cabbage. Episode 2 fast forwards to the trial. Each witness represented a critical point in Crater-Face’s life. Flashbacks enlighten us to the struggles. He matured young and was one of the tallest boys in middle school because of it. But it also brought an early onslaught of hormones. Fade to a sleep over when Crater-Face’s friend first suggested he wash his face, and he soon realized how sensitive that made him. Crater had a big heart, but even bigger white heads.
Following Crater’s journey, the viewer may find themselves sympathizing with the villain, even, loving him. You may find yourself angry at the world that made him. The world that asked everyone to be smooth and beautiful. You see Crater’s inner strength and you know that he will survive prison. Hell, he could survive anything. And just then, that’s when you realize that Crater-Face is just like cabbage. Hard, ugly, and necessary.
- krautHammer
Sit down dear reader and open your mind to me. Poof. I just planted a seed just then, and whether you like it or not, it’s growing in your brain. It’s sauerkraut, of course. And now you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? Its tentacles have you gripped, it’s odor too is flooring you. Listen very closely, can you hear that? No, you cannot, because the kraut has once again commandeered every one of your senses. Now, sit back and let it make love to you through my words.
One of my favorite party tricks is to ask everyone at the table to describe the first time they heard of sauerkraut. The responses I get are just hilarious, most common and most funny to me personally is a disdainful grimace followed by something along the lines of “I have no fucking clue when I first tasted sauerkraut, let alone heard of it”. Lol, imagine not remembering such a pivotal event. Some folks don’t trust people who can dance, I don’t trust people who don’t remember busting their kraut cherry.
Mine busted all over me and my entire family one summer down in Ocean City. It’s known to be a dry town (no booze for sale), but the place is more or less drenched in kraut from Memorial Day til deep into the dog days of summer. Go and test it out for yourself if you dare, but don’t forget your life jacket. Next thing you know you’ll be swimming out of there like Chief Brody saying “we’re gonna need a bigger bun”. I was already feeling accomplished that summer, young lil’ puss as I was, for having out-of-the-blue, opted for cream cheese on my morning bagel rather than butter – my brother never forgave me for leaving him in the dust like that. Well so kraut was a logical next step, a ‘second base’ if you will on the diamond that would round out my budding palate. But the rather meager sprinkling plopped atop my dirty water dog was much more than a feel-up, it took me all the way home… I haven’t been out much since. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here again, kraut may be a one-trick pony but I’ll take that ride every time.
Ride-or-die.
- Sauerpuss